My Bread and Apple!

Have you ever sat down and really looked at the words Christ taught us to pray? I grew up in a church where every Sunday I would say the same thing over and over again without really KNOWING what I was saying.
One summer while I was working at camp our director who happened to be a pastor did a weekly bible study of the Lord's prayer. After that eye opening experience I haven't looked at the words in the same light. I look at them and I put them into context of what it means for me.
Give us this day our daily bread. Interesting formation of words since grains for bread would have been pretty abundant during Jesus' years here on earth since carbs were the staple of their diet. If you think about it in terms of energy, you wouldn't need bread if you weren't moving around harvesting crops or caring for child, but since these were daily occurrences in the life of a Jew, bread was a crucial part of survival.
Bread in the form of what Jesus was talking about has nothing to do with physical hunger but the spiritual. One does not desire the spiritual bread of God if they aren't going anywhere. God will give us exactly the right amount of bread needed for each day's journey. The further I walk in my faith the more I realize that I need that bread that comes from heaven. I can't do this on my own.
One of my biggest heart-troubles of leaving in November is the fact that I know I have to do this alone. I have always gone away from home with at least someone I know but this time I am not. I do not have that comfort of a friend or family. My bread is my comfort and my sustainer. Literally my bread of life.
In the past I used to get frustrated with the Christian 'lingo' so to speak that seems to circulate amongst my friends. I remember hearing words or phrases over and over again and thinking to myself 'can't we come up with something better to express ourselves?'
I mentioned this thought to a good friend of mine and her response is worth noting. She said that that may in fact be true that there is a common lingo but that words for her mean so much more because she can think back to an experience that reminds her of it. I thought 'Wow, what a positive way of thinking rather than being judgmental!'

Bread of life has a whole new meaning!

I sang in a youth choir for more than 7 years and it was a big part of my life. I was just overcome with a memory of singing a beautiful song called "Jesus Christ the Apple Tree"

Jesus Christ, my bread and apple! Such comfort that brings to a troubled soul!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xgGvL09QSSQ&feature=related

Abundant Blessings

Blogging has become a real blessing to me. As I sit here writing this blog I am inspired to share with you all the abundant blessings God has provided for me over the past week.
Normally when I sit to begin a blog I have a direction I am going to take. Today is different. I don't know what to write but I'm looking forward to what may come out of this.
Last week myself and five other individuals from North Park Community Church departed on a journey to Chicago to participate in a Short Term Mission Conference aimed at opening discussion for the usefulness of STM (Short Term Mission). I was hesitant to go because I only knew one other person who was going and I wasn't sure what to expect from the conference itself. It turned out to be an immensely growing and wonderful experience.
We had a very quick trip down and had a lovely time talking and listening to music. There is something about being in a very small car and bonding really quickly that I've really come to enjoy despite the fact that I'm claustrophobic!
We arrived shortly after noon and got some lunch and headed straight into the lectures. I had the chance to meet and talk with Gil Odendaal who is the Director of STM at Saddleback Church under Rick Warren. He did a presentation on the CHE (Community Health Education) work the church is doing in Rwanda. I was totally impressed!
In the evening they had a key note speaker from Nairobi Kenya named Oscar Muriu. He is certainly a mover and a shaker. He spoke very powerfully that certainly struck deep down within me. To summarize his talk wouldn't do him justice but I'm going to try and give a very broad and very general overview of his talk. He discussed the detriments that STM has brought over the years. He talked about how the Western Church often comes with an agenda to 'fix' things whether that be to build something or give money to something. He was very clear in saying that he didn't agree with others coming to do things that local Kenyans could do themselves. He talked about how mission groups come and never really experience the culture or the people since they arrive in large groups, stay in the same hotel, eat together and generally never leave each other's side. To them it is a glorified vacation. What about the Kenyans, or any other host country for that matter. At one point he boldly stated not to come to Kenya with your own agenda, we don't need you. He also talked about Kenyan culture in that they won't say no to you. It is apart of who they are that they must 'keep face' per say. As I sat there listening to him I came to a horrible realization. The Presbyterian Church had ASKED if I could come. In one single moment it seemed as if my entire world had crashed down around me. Now I didn't know which way to turn.
As soon as he was finished his talk one of the leaders of my group from North Park suggested we go up and meet him since he is good friends with the Kenyan Pastor. I was terrified that he would mention something to Oscar about me going to Kenya and I quietly pulled him aside and asked him not to say anything. I immediately left for fear of breaking down into tears in front of everyone in the auditorium.
I sat in the bathroom for a long time crying... crying out to God. I remember saying to him "God, I don't understand. I thought this was where you told me to go. I am so lost. Please tell me what to do!"
I pulled myself together and walked back to my hotel. I fell asleep last night trying to figure out what my next steps were going to be.
The next day, broken, I woke up not really wanting to continue on with the seminars. During most of the time slots there were more than one person presenting. I decided to attend one by a Dominican Republican pastor named Rev. Robert Guerrero. HE also had a similar theme as Oscar. He based his talk on Luke 22:24-30 "Also a dispute arose among them as to which of them was considered to be greatest. Jesus said to them, "The kings of the Gentiles lord it over them; and those who exercise authority over them call themselves Benefactors. But you are not to be like that. Instead, the greatest among you should be like the youngest, and the one who rules like the one who serves. For who is greater, the one who is at the table or the one who serves? Is it not the one who is at the table? But I am among you as one who serves. You are those who have stood by me in my trials. And I confer on you a kingdom, just as my Father conferred one on me, so that you may eat and drink at my table in my kingdom and sit on thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel." What struck me was his sincerity and courage. He spoke about the need for missions to shift from the mindset of the Benefactor to the Kingdom Builder. So many groups come thinking that they have all the answers for the people. What is it that makes us think that our way is better anyways? What he focused on was his desire to see people come because they simply want to BE with each other as the body of Christ; to come to build a relationship rather than a building.
After he concluded I felt a resurgence of courage within me. I am called to Kenya not to be a Benefactor but a Kingdom Builder. As Robert said " We (The Western world) are not called to fix the problem but to participate in it."
The next day our group got together with Oscar to pray for him. Our group leader asked our group to share with him anything that was on our hearts to encourage Oscar. I was overcome with gratitude towards him. I told him that I was deeply grateful for reminding me of my purpose and the value of the Kenyan people. I thanked him for his honesty with us in the West that we were, in some cases, a detriment to others. When I finished Oscar said to me words I will take with me through the remainder of my days here on earth. HE said "Margaret I hope you know that I DO believe in missions. I believe in the power of human relationships and I know that is why you are coming. I WANT you to come to Kenya and when you do come have coffee with me." It was hard to hold back the tears in that moment! Praise God that he tears away all that is unclean and was so gracious to build back up so quickly!
Over the past few weeks I had begun to allow thoughts into my mind which were not of God. I began to think about how useful I could and have been. What I began to ficus on was my own success rather than God's.
We arrived back in London just in time to attend the evening service, albeit I was really late. After the service I had to rush to the bathroom but I was intercepted by three different women that I've spent time with these past few years at school. I was overwhelmed by their welcoming and happiness to see me and I was convicted by God. He showed me in that moment how he had been working through me in these women's lives. It has absolutely nothing to do with me at all. Praise God that he takes all the credit. I don't want it anyways.. it just messes with my brain!
On Saturday I got up and drove to Tillsonburg to do a church service that I had taken for a minister on holidays. I found the church to have a wonderful environment about them. They were relaxed and prepared to worship their God in whatever way that might take. There was a beautiful dynamic in the service where there was no disconnect between the person speaking and the congregation. Everyone participated and it was reciprocal. I felt completely at home.
As I drove back to the 401 I realized that my roommate from third year, Vicki, went to church right near there. As I was driving I prayed "God, if you want Vicki and I to meet would you please help me to get there in time". I made a few wrong turns but eventually walked into the service as they were finishing their last song.
I spent the afternoon with Vicki and her friends at the beach just laughing and having a wonderful time with wonderful conversation.
VIcki and I made plans and she came to my house the next day, slept over then we went back to the beach. We had an extremely relaxing day of lying on the beach then swimming and repeating. We got a bit scorched but I was just overcome with what a blessing the past days had been.
Fellowship really IS just BEING with people. It has nothing to do with an agenda, although that is something that comes with the relationship.
I didn't plan on being cleansed in Chicago, nor did I plan on being so relaxed and free to speak frankly with the congregation in Tillsonburg. I did not plan to meet Vicki or spend 2 days at the beach but that is exactly what God wanted. As the singer Matt Nathanson says " Everyday is a start of something beautiful!"

So true... So true!!!

Rain rain go away... or not!

I love the rain. I use the word love for a reason. As of late, I have been analysing my use of the word to ensure that I am using it to describe things that are actually loveable. You do not love clothing- you like the way they help you feel better about yourself. You love people and places for the way they love you and the memories they create. I do, infact, love rain. It's sounds are like the minds way of "drawing blank" for a few moments of the day. I listen to the patter on the tin troffes on my house and it sounds like drums off in the distance. It is beautiful.
Rain is cleansing and healing to the environment. It washes away dust and dirt and leave things clean and refreshed. It acts as a deliverer of nutrients to plants and animals and replenishes life-giving water supplies. However, it also has its harsh side. It can be bitterly cold and unwelcome when one is not prepared. It can wreck that perfect 'do' or spoil a delicately planned wedding day. It is hard to be prepared though when you are not God and do not get to decide the whether patterns. Well, what if the rain is like God? Ok, bare with me here for a moment. Rain is a positive thing for all the good it brings after the storm, but the storm is what is often the focus of the argument. We look at the difficulty rather than the outcome to decide whether or not it was a success. Maybe that is a good frame of reference when looking at God. I don't think he looks so much at the outcome but rather the process; what it is that his daughter has actually learned.
Short and sweet and to the point. I love the rain for the process of cleansing it gives!

Well, it' official. I have confirmation that I will be placed in Nyeri, Kenya for my contract. To say the least I am very excited and nervous all at once.
I was remembering on the weekend an interesting prayer I had with someone. I was at an Athletes In Action retreat in 2008 and the guest speaker was Herbie Kuhn. Herbie is the announcer for the Toronto Raptors. He spoke of following the path that God has in-store for each person. After his last talk he talked around the room offering prayer to each individual. He prayed for me and after he was finished he looked at me and said "I feel I have to tell you that I see you working with children."
At the time I kind of blew it off as something that he had just said to me in passing. I have worked at a local YMCA for more than 5 years and my idea of working with children was limited to what I could see there. I was NOT interested in working with children in a swimming lesson context; not that I hate teaching swimming lessons but that I'd had enough for the time being. Also around that same time I had big aspirations to someday become involved in the UN in some capacity.
As time went on I realized that Herbie's comment was not something that was said in passing but was a meaningful, even prophetic statement.
Last week I was driving back from Montreal with a friend and I was beyond exhausted. I don't remember being able to think straight but I remember all of a sudden remembering this comment from Herbie. The second I realized it I also received an overwhelming sense of assurance that Kenya was were I was going- this was 2 days prior to getting the confirmation that Kenya was a go...
Ha, I am continually blown away by my own lack of faith. God promised me everything and he's done just that.
"To worship you Jesus, is my sole desire... purpose to lift your name high!"- Hillsong.
Here is the website if you are interested in finding out more information about where I'll be. http://www.shauriyakoysc.org/

The Railroad Tracks of Life

I went into work with my dad the other day for a job interview. As soon as I walked out of the interview I knew that I hadn't got it. Not for anything I did wrong (I hope) but I just kind of felt it. I suppose that interviewing is always good practice and I think I would have been pretty miserable there seeing as it was a clothing store and I have next to no sense of style. I would have probably got myself into quite a bit of trouble because I would have sold something to someone that looks aweful.
I've always despised the saying that one "wakes up on the wrong side of the bed" yet that generally summed up how I was feeling that day. As time goes on I am recognizing the importance of journaling because I deeply wish I could remember the details of how I felt before my past trips.
Some days I feel as if a shadow has descended upon my soul and dampen the possibility of light which can squelch the feelings of hope.
But then creates the question of what exactly it is that I hope for? Do I hope for clarity, or stability; doesn't everyone? Or is it something more? I am recalling a vague memory of a prayer said awhile back having to do with hunger. This hunger has nothing to do with food or physical satisfaction yet it does have to do with peace.
I recall listening to some people talk about God and their deepest desires to understand the intricacies of his holiness. I think I was jealous of their intensity of faith. I yearned to understand what they understood and I longed to feel what they expressed.
Past prayers of request from God of this magnitude have resulted in strenuous times of heart break and trial and in full awareness to this I asked another. "God, I want to desire you like 'they' do!"
True to God's nature, he answered those prayers, yet not in the way I'D expected. Since around that time I've felt unfulfilled, lost and searching for something I could never put into words. It is only not that I realize that this is what true yearning feels like, It is about never been satisfied with the status-quo, and never allowing the heart to settle. Part of me cringes when I re-read the words I've written yet I know that I could not be who I am if I were to be 'normal' or what the status-quo says I am to be.
Hungering after God means (at least for me) never feeling satisfied, but in a good way. I never feel like I've quite got God figured out. Some days it makes me frustrated with my own ignorance as a human, and everyday it leaves me feeling humbled by what I do not know. There is a saying that I like. God love you just as you are but he loves you too much to keep you they way you are. He is constantly placing within me desires for something that is to come; something that keeps me hungry.
I've also realized that the days which a cloud settles on my heart are the days which I do nothing to pursue God.
I received an email yesterday from a close family friend about the trials of Rick Warren as his wife, Kay, battles cancer. He says “I used to think that life was hills and valleys - you go through a dark time, then you go to the mountaintop, back and forth. I don't believe that anymore.

Rather than life being hills and valleys, I believe that it's kind of like two rails on a railroad track, and at all times you have something good and something bad in your life. No matter how good things are in your life, there is always something bad that needs to be worked on.”

This life is preparation. In preparation it is a constant battle to perfection. I can’t expect my walk with God to be happy all the time. If it were, then I wouldn’t be in preparation for eternity.

God was faithful to me that day when I requested the understanding of hunger. He showed me that, like earthly hunger, it is not without pain and yearning. You have to be aware that something is wrong in order to fix it!

In the Beginning was a Pair of Pants

It all started with a pair of cotton pants. I remember that day like it was yesterday. We were cementing rebar structures for the exterior of a church and I ripped my pants. Jose´ looked at me and laughed. He pointed down to his pants which has a large whole in the same spot as mine. I remember how we laughed together.

That night I marched out the the local market and found the first pair of pants I could get my hands on and bought them. I returned to the building site the next day proudly sporting my brand new pants.

I don't recall Jose´reaction to my pants but I remember the feeling in my stomach when I looked over to see that he was wearing the same pants but with a few stitches added to the spot that used have the gaping hole. To express my feelings at this point is excruciating still to this day.

That day I changed. I could never go back in time to the girl I used to be nor would I ever want to. I became someone it's taken me years to understand and express. I lost a great deal in that moment, but I gained a higher comprehension of what mattered.

As I sit here writing this I am wondering what I would have become had I not made the decision to go to Guatemala in 2005 which thus led up to the event involving the pants. Who would I be? Where could my life be heading?

When I was in Guatemala I began, what I am sure will be, a life-long relationship with Liberation Theology. I learned of the perils of the poor and the type of Christianity that has come out of a few academics who have devoted their lives to walking beside the poor.

I recently read an article that talked about a shift in views of the crucifix. It now has two views within the church. The crucifix will always be the symbolic act of the atonement of the world to God. Horacio Gutierrez once said" You see the resignation and acceptance on the face of the Son of God in his moment of greatest suffering? He knows that it is the Father's will that he die this way, and so he gives himself, uncomplaining, in utter trust and love, assured that after these brief moments of suffering he will be in paradise forever. Is he complaining to God? Is he challenging Herod and Pilate who put him there? Is he trying to change society? Is he agitating among the poor for a redistribution of wealth or a new social order? Is he wishing he had a gun so that he could destroy his oppressors?

"Of course not! He knows that God knows best. So instead of turning aside from God's plan, he accepts it and plays his assigned role."

From this we learn how our own suffering is the call to bear our own weight of the cross like Christ did; our own service and discipleship. There is however another part of the crucifix that I think is often forgotten. The crucifix also shows us how to cope with the suffering of others.

An idea that I've heard discussed today was something called 'ideological distortion' which is what happens when what you believe to be true comes into contact with something that disagrees with you. One could almost argue that there are a number of Christians who subconsciously think that the extent of their suffering begins and ends with themselves.

The other immensely important part of the crucifix is that Jesus died for everyone else's sins as well, uniting us all as one body of people in this world together. Once complete, we could no longer be separate as individuals but whole as one body of Christ. Horacio Gutierrez goes on to say " You see the terrible thing that is happening to Jesus? He who came to teach us to love one another, and who always acted towards in love, is being killed for thinking such thoughts and doing such deed. What a terrible thing that this should happen! What a terrible thing that Jesus should continue to be crucified in his brothers and sisters today! If we love Jesus, we must find out who is doing this to him and put a stop to it, for people will continue to kill Jesus every time they kill those who try to follow him today by loving their neighbours and working to create a better world. We must work to see that torture and death of this sort are not the lots of any persons in God's world. We much create a society in which no one is crucified or harmed as Jesus was. That will be one way we can thank him for his great love for us."

Frequently Jesus associates and honours the poor. He says in Matthew 19:21 "If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me." That is a bold statement that needs attention. He also says in Matthew 26:11 "The poor you will always have with you, but you will not always have me."

Liberation Theology empowers the poor and gives them a voice through biblical derivatives. It is not a means to attack those who are wealthy but to create equal opportunity through political activism for all people on earth.

Jesus came to earth as the Son of Man to destroy sin's strong-hold in our lives and Liberation Theology's mandate is to fight poverty by suppressing that which enables it; sin!

The Eyes of the Lord

Have you ever wondered why friendships seem that much deeper and virtually unbreakable when faith is the foundation? I've been marveling over this fact today as I've spent time with friends over this year and years past. I have the most authentic, beautiful and faithful friends. I really could end the blog right there.

I have a family of friends who would do anything for me. They would drive to wherever I am if I asked them and they would feed me and clothe me if I needed it. Matthew 25: 37-40 says "Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you' The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me."

Sanctified within each of my friends is the ability to recognize Jesus within me. This fact is such an encouragement to me because there were times in my past, and most certainly in my future, where I have not be able to recognize Jesus. God speaks through the eyes of those who look beyond the exterior, into the crevices of the soul. My friends are people such as this.

What saddens me is how easy it is for people in this society to slip into the trap and shut out the world and those that love them. They have been programmed to think that success is done alone. It is them against the world. The reason I feel as if I can dare to write about this is that I used to be that person. I could never let others in because I was so afraid of what might happen --> they might not like who I am. They would recognize how unworthy I am and how terrible my sin is.

I came to a crossroads in my life where I had to make a decision. I had to allow myself to get hurt and still not necessarily know the outcome or I could stay in a waiting room my whole life without any expectations. I chose the latter.

This choice does not come without challenges. I continue to stifle fear of pain and consciously decide to welcome the joys that come as the result.

Faith is not a feeling but a choice. I choose to have faith in my friends as they have in me. Why? Because that is exactly what Jesus does everyday. You see, these friendships are not just bilateral. There is a third party whose presence takes precedence over my friend’s and mine. Jesus’ proprietorship over friendships is the beginning and the end of what matters. This leads me to claim that not only do I have the best friends in the world, but in the heavens.

Once the ownership of a relationship is given over to God it becomes a source of empowerment rather than a continual letdown. You can find encouragement and raw humanity within them, which can reach into your own heart. You are uplifted by each other’s struggles because you know that each one is a vessel through which God can work.

I found this verse that I will end off with today. Psalm 121:7-8“The LORD will keep you from all harm— he will watch over your life; the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.” The Lord is alive in my friends, for they watch out for me. Their eyes are those of the Lord.