On Identity

This Monday will be the fifth week I have been living in Kenya. In the grand scheme of things that really isn’t a long time and it hasn’t felt like it. Now, things are much different. Last week Rick Allen, the other Presbyterian Missionary came to visit and took me to a hotel where we had lunch. When we walked into the dining room I immediately felt out of place but not for the reasons you would think. I felt out of place because I was surrounded by a room full of mzungus! It was the most absurd feeling being out of place in what used to be normal. Now, I am not used to seeing mzungus and I often have the same reaction has what I received when I first got here. I want to know who they are and where they came from. Haha!
When I first arrived in Nyeri I felt very out of place. It is a small town where few mzungus(Kiswahili term for a white person) pass through ad even fewer stay. It was very uncomfortable constantly being stared at and approached whether it was for money or attention. I sought out the solitude of my room when I came home each night for some time just to be alone and it began to wear on me. I realized recently why I was so uneasy; it was not due to the stares- I could deal with that since I rationalized that, to them I was so different- but it was my identity to those surrounding me that had changed. I was no longer Margaret. To them I was just another mzungu to stare at and ask for money; another rich person whose only value was to give them donations.
You know when you are in your own element that there are things that are always associated with you. For example, when someone would try to describe me they often say ‘that tall girl…etc”. Here in Africa it was a new set of associations that I had to adapt to. Not only am I tall girl, but I am the girl who wears glasses, funny clothes, has different hair, has dirty shoes all the time and can only speak a few words of Swahili and Kikuyu. Sometimes when I am in a conversation with someone I have to hold my tongue for I am afraid I will respond rather harshly. Often people will ask me for money to sponsor their child for school or to buy them clothes. If the situation is right and it seems appropriate I will often answer “Don’t assume that all mzungus have money.” They will ask if I have money and I will tell them that most of my money I am making is going to my student loans and they are always surprised. People often ask if Canada has problems with homelessness, drugs and violence. When I tell them yes they can never understand why a country with so much wealth has the same problems as Africa. They pose a good question. I think the main idea that I am trying to get across to them is that people are really all the same and money shouldn’t define a difference.
As time as past here in Nyeri people have come to know my name it that is Margaret or Wanjiku. I rarely walk to or from work without someone addressing me by my name(s). They know who I am and I am getting to know who they are too. What I have really appreciated is that there is now an understanding between myself and the community that I am here as their friend and not their bank. Since that has become the unremitting notion it has led to some wonderful connections and opened up the opportunity for me to become Margaret/Wanjiku to them. Both parties are so much more interested in what we can learn from each other and it is such a wonderful place to be.
On the other hand, receiving new identities has positive sides to it as well. I am considered a sister to both Ndegwa and Grace (my host family), an auntie to 3 wonderful children in Nairobi, and a daughter to Anthony my supervisor.
The greatest lesson throughout this journey of identity has been where my true identity lies. As life changes around me I always have an identity in Christ that never changes. I never have to question that. Bwana Yesu Asufiwe!

On leaving...

Let's be brutally honest. Leaving is hard and painful. There are little happy feelings that are present when you are giving that person a hug for the last time for a very long time. The amazing thing is that there are so many wonderful people that have to look forward to seeing when you come home. Those people actually makes leaving harder yet easier at the same time.
I wanted to try to put into words some of the emotional roller coaster I've been on for people who are interested.
If I was asked to sum up the feeling I have right now it would be relief. That may sound all-together cruel but it is the truth. Saying goodbye is extremely emotional and difficult. Such strong emotions are tiring.
Let me explain further. My feeling of relief is in no way related to relief of the absence of important people but just simply relief that the anticipation, tears and raw emotion is almost over. There is really only so much the heart can take and I think I've reached my limit. That doesn't negate the love that I have for everyone, I am now just looking forward to saying HELLO!
Tomorrow will be the hardest day as I say goodbye to my family. They have been beyond wonderful in supporting and loving me through this whole experience. I am going to miss them terribly. I will event miss our seemingly sarcastic and teasing ways that are just the forms we express love.
Thank you to everyone who helped me through this stage of my life. You will be and are already missed. Send me an email anytime you like. I can't always promise a prompt reply but I will do my best.
A special thank you to Tara who helped me pack when I was completely overwhelmed with the amount that had to be accomplished. You saved my travel journeys. You are my superwoman!! xoxo

The next time you hear from me I'll be in Africa! WOOT!

Much Love always!

Fairness does not Govern Life and Death

Fairness does not govern life and death.(pg. 50 from The Five People you will Meet in Heaven) It actually doesn't govern very much these days. The justice system, if played well can even work against justice itself.
These past few months have been challenging for me. Many of my friends have gone through situations that are unfair. The situations are unfair and for a few cases, completely heartbreaking.
I don't exactly know where I am going with this but I felt an urge to write. Bare with me...
This world seems to be drifting nearer to one that challenges and stretches reality. The things once accepted as unchangeable have people whose livelihoods are being spent tweaking that reality. Right and wrong, peace and war, strength and weakness, democracy and socialism, the list goes on: People such as politicians, lawyers, doctors, scientists etc etc etc...Then why does our heart desire to question what the ultimate form of governance is if there exists the ability to constantly change that?
I once heard an opinion about God and his place in this world. The speaker (or author-can't remember) was of the opinion that after God created the world he stepped back. He believed that God created evolution like he created everything else. This challenges common Christian beliefs which asks the question "well, doesn't that eliminate the need for a creator?"
I can't answer that but I know that when I contemplate this thought it makes the concept of prayer make much more sense. Prayer is time spent with God. It is an invitation to God to enter into your life and take his rightful position as creator. It is requesting and listening to God's requests for you-asking and allowing him to be apart of you. It is a respectful surrendering of control!
Was it fair for God to die for me? Was it fair that he hung in the hot sun as the crowd laughed and scoffed? Was it fair that he carried my cross while at times in my life I still turn away from him? I think the answer is clear.
What I do know is that fairness doesn't govern life and we have to seek out God to let him govern ours. If we let him he'll govern our lives. The paradox is that under this governance life is not without unfairness. In fact when we bow down before God we can become visible targets for injustice and worldly condemnation.
Back to those whose lives have gone haywire. Did they let go of God's governance on their lives? Did they take control of themselves? No, but there is something that they have now.
Their creator creates customized joy and shares in their lives; A witness to their pain and assurance that they are not alone. Fairness doesn't govern life and death, God does. His ways are unconventional and, on occasion, painful. The point is to put our faith into something that knows what is best, far beyond our own comprehension.
Even when you don't understand why your dreams have been destroyed or your life sits before you in shambles, remember two things:God has been there in human form and he will get you through it (just maybe not in the way that you intended)

I promise- and so does God!

p.s. if you read this, let me know if it made sense. Sometimes I find that what makes sense to me doesn't to others...

No one wants to sit beside someone who is sick...

"Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody, I think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat."- Mother Teresa

No one wants to sit beside someone who is sick. Today I was at the doctor's office (well, one of them) for the 3rd time. Everytime I've been this week they've requested that I wear a mask which is exactly why no one wants to sit beside me- maybe also because of the sneezing or coughing, who knows!
I found it quite amusing to watch as people would enter the doctors office, take one look at me in my mask and strategically place themselves as far away as possible. One man even squeezed himself in a coat rack just so that he wouldn't have to take the only available seat left beside yours truly.
Now, I was able to laugh this incident off because I know I will get over this terrible cold and be right as rain soon enough, but it got me thinking. What about people who have to spend their whole lives dealing with this kind of treatment? How do they manage? Is it as easy for them to laugh it off?
I suppose in our society anything that isn't normal is something too far out of our comfort zone. Anything that doesn't look, sound, smell, or act just a certain way merits our distaste and disrespect.
Why is it then that amputees are respected due to their loss of limbs in battle, or scream-o music so highly revered, or stinky athletes worshipped after a game, or a comedian who say things a little bit differently then the rest of us for a laugh- why are they any different then the disfigured, the deaf, the homeless, or any other 'outsider' for that matter? They are of a higher position because wehave decided that they are different.
Isn't that sad? Doesn't that make you wonder how many people must go through life without being touch, hugged, LOVED?
In a past blog I talked about a couple I met in New Brunswick this summer. I won't name them for privacy's sake so I will call them Mr. and Mrs. Awesome. Mrs. Awesome has the biggest most loving heart. I remember leaving the downtown homeless storehouse and talking with her. We had had a wonderful time learning how to play crib with some of the men. She started telling me of this one man that played crib with her who was probably the worst smelling individual there. What struck me was not the fact that he smelled but that she played with him for hours. She was bothered by the smell but she didn't let it get in the way of loving him.
We often ask God to get rid of those things that hinder us from loving one another. Sometimes those things aren't spiritual, emotion or even mental- they are physical hindrances.
The reason that the warrior, the scream-o band, the athlete and the comedian are so easily respected is because it is easy to find out what they've done to earn that respect. Maybe then we should look a little harder to those who may not have their badges outside of themselves. Their badges could be covered with 'non-normal' attire, but their respect is no less warranted.


Note: This is by no means a way to discredit those who've done respectful things whether you are in the army, a band, a sports team, or on stage. I was just using these analogies to make a point!

Blessings vs. Trials

Last night I was at a friends house for dinner and a very interesting discussion emerged on blessings and trials. It was getting particularly deep when one person turned to myself and another and said "So, are you telling me that you think that God gives you more than you can handle?"
Both the other individual and I said in unison- YES!
I think that this is something that is particularly confusing to Christians. It was clarified that God will never give you trials that you cannot handle; He will, however, give you blessings that you are not able to handle.
When God blesses he does it in a way that only shows his glory. That is why the commonly used thought, that is you let God take over he'll bless you beyond what you can even comprehend, fits so well.

Over the past year or so I've struggled off and on in the area regarding finances. I would often find my thoughts jogging back and forth between whether I agreed more so with Christian prosperity or Christ-like abandonment of money hoarding. (note: this is putting is drastically, but you get my point)I've known for quite some time that my line of work will mean that money will certainly not grow on trees.
Last week one of my friends on facebook sent out a question about Christians and finances and it sparked a lost fear I had not known about until now. I had always held onto the idea that is was okay for me to have more than enough since I would be able to provide down the road to whoever would need it.
I guess when it boils down to it, those thoughts I held so dearly to required my own control, and not God's. It was something that I could plan for. I'd created an earthly treasure of sorts, in my mind, for the future. I lacked the one thing that trumps this whole thought-process- faith!
A friend gave me a wonderful book to read and it has revolutionized the way I see many things- money included. The book is called Turnings and is written by Guy Chevreau. I would recommend it to anyone who would stop and listen to me for half a second.
He says " Kingdom obedience leads finances. So much is compromised when it is the other way around."
Having faith and finances means that God expects you to be a good steward of money. Chevreau also says this. " God will not trust you with Kingdom power and authority until you've proved faithful with something as insignificant as money, for the eternal consequences of squandering Kingdom authority are far greater than misleading earthly riches."
Paraphrased, have faith that God will provide what is needed if you are willing to be good stewards of what is blessed to you, for the Kingdom of God!

Choice Thanksgiving

Today at church we had a guest speaker who spoke very well on the season of Thanksgiving. I am going to use some of her own thoughts and expand on them with my own.
She used 2 passages. Psalm 22 and Job Chapter 23. At first I was a bit taken aback by the solemnness and sorrowful nature of these passages. Then I understood where she was going with it.
Holiday seasons for the majority of the world are painful experiences, whether it is facing that family we dread, missing a person whose presence isn't there for whatever reason, or remember what used to be. It is easy to be thankful when everything is that 'hallmark' picture of family and friends. It isn't so easy when life is upside down.
Job was a man who lost everything. He lost his children (10 in total) and all of his worldly possessions. Then, to top it all off his health fails him. Job has nothing.
In all intents and purposes, Job has every reason to blame God and accuse him of the pain he feels. Instead, Job says this "Naked I came from my mother's womb,and naked I will depart. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised." (Job 1:21)
David was a tortured man through much of his life. He made staggeringly poor choices whose repercussions lasted generations. Although the feeling of his writing is a cry out to a God whom he thinks has abandoned him, he does 2 things. 1) He starts to remember that God has restored everyone else in their weakness. In realizing this he then 2) Gives THANKS to God by offering his praise of those blessings.
The reality of this Thanksgiving weekend may not be what is desired but the point I want to make is that Thanksgiving, like so much of our faith in God, is a choice. Sometimes it is a feeling, but when the focus is placed on making it a choice then, regardless of the situation, God is our strong fortress and sustainer. Even when we can't see it, God will bless through the rain and the storms of life. Just keep turning to him!
This thanksgiving dinner is most likely the last time that my family and I will be all together before I head overseas. Thanks be to God that I have this weekend. It is a bittersweet day but also one to remember!
Happy Choice Day everyone!