I went into work with my dad the other day for a job interview. As soon as I walked out of the interview I knew that I hadn't got it. Not for anything I did wrong (I hope) but I just kind of felt it. I suppose that interviewing is always good practice and I think I would have been pretty miserable there seeing as it was a clothing store and I have next to no sense of style. I would have probably got myself into quite a bit of trouble because I would have sold something to someone that looks aweful.
I've always despised the saying that one "wakes up on the wrong side of the bed" yet that generally summed up how I was feeling that day. As time goes on I am recognizing the importance of journaling because I deeply wish I could remember the details of how I felt before my past trips.
Some days I feel as if a shadow has descended upon my soul and dampen the possibility of light which can squelch the feelings of hope.
But then creates the question of what exactly it is that I hope for? Do I hope for clarity, or stability; doesn't everyone? Or is it something more? I am recalling a vague memory of a prayer said awhile back having to do with hunger. This hunger has nothing to do with food or physical satisfaction yet it does have to do with peace.
I recall listening to some people talk about God and their deepest desires to understand the intricacies of his holiness. I think I was jealous of their intensity of faith. I yearned to understand what they understood and I longed to feel what they expressed.
Past prayers of request from God of this magnitude have resulted in strenuous times of heart break and trial and in full awareness to this I asked another. "God, I want to desire you like 'they' do!"
True to God's nature, he answered those prayers, yet not in the way I'D expected. Since around that time I've felt unfulfilled, lost and searching for something I could never put into words. It is only not that I realize that this is what true yearning feels like, It is about never been satisfied with the status-quo, and never allowing the heart to settle. Part of me cringes when I re-read the words I've written yet I know that I could not be who I am if I were to be 'normal' or what the status-quo says I am to be.
Hungering after God means (at least for me) never feeling satisfied, but in a good way. I never feel like I've quite got God figured out. Some days it makes me frustrated with my own ignorance as a human, and everyday it leaves me feeling humbled by what I do not know. There is a saying that I like. God love you just as you are but he loves you too much to keep you they way you are. He is constantly placing within me desires for something that is to come; something that keeps me hungry.
I've also realized that the days which a cloud settles on my heart are the days which I do nothing to pursue God.
I received an email yesterday from a close family friend about the trials of Rick Warren as his wife, Kay, battles cancer. He says “I used to think that life was hills and valleys - you go through a dark time, then you go to the mountaintop, back and forth. I don't believe that anymore.
Rather than life being hills and valleys, I believe that it's kind of like two rails on a railroad track, and at all times you have something good and something bad in your life. No matter how good things are in your life, there is always something bad that needs to be worked on.”
This life is preparation. In preparation it is a constant battle to perfection. I can’t expect my walk with God to be happy all the time. If it were, then I wouldn’t be in preparation for eternity.
God was faithful to me that day when I requested the understanding of hunger. He showed me that, like earthly hunger, it is not without pain and yearning. You have to be aware that something is wrong in order to fix it!
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